Perspective.

Think of a scenario that makes you anxious. Perhaps it's flying. Or driving in the city. Or speaking in front of 200 people.

Tying each of those three scenarios with the word "anxious", nervousness, worry, and fear comes to mind. However, by replacing the word "anxious" (uneasy and apprehensive about an uncertain event or matter; worried) with "anticipate" (to look forward to, especially with pleasure; expect) and you've created a completely different person--even with those same three scenarios. Just by changing the perspective, anxious vs. anticipate. 

Be careful what you pray for.

For weeks in Jamaica my heart cried out to God for a change in perspective. I was tired of listening to lies, fears, worries, and doubts. Tired of seeing things from an anxious point of view. There was so much blessing and good out there, so much to anticipate; yet, day in and day out, no matter how much I laid down before God I kept falling back into an anxious state. I couldn't understand why my heart, despite my weeks of prayers, wouldn't find the good above all the rest.

On December 4th, God literally knocked me on my butt with a perspective change.Of course, it took me weeks to see it as such, yet here I am today, reveling in more and more change each day as my eyes are opened and I continue to wait for my foot to heal.


Those first three weeks after the injury I longed to be able to stand and shower. Suddenly a cold, short shower in Jamaica held great appeal. I simply wanted to be able to have the option of "rinsing off" and showering. Now that I have that option, I marvel at how much more time it takes me to get ready in the morning simply because I can't put weight through my left foot!

My stubborn pride and independence literally gets knocked in the rear these days, every time I try to go through a door--on crutches--without help. The heavy glass door at my dad's office is example number one. I got a good smack with it this morning . . . Got it, Lord. Just one example of how He's breaking down my independent walls.

Those last weeks in Jamaica I cried out that I needed more support and where was it!?! My eyes were blind. Since Dec 4th, I've been constantly surrounded with physical, emotional, and living support. Somebody to make me food, do my laundry, drive me to town, carry my purse, reach into the low cupboard, carry a glass of water, turn off the lights, etc.


In those months in Ridge I learned many lessons in giving, in helping and sadly, from my anxious perspective, began to tell God that I couldn't give anymore, I was all wrung out of giving. There became too many days where I told Him I'd done enough and wouldn't be giving much more unless I received something in return. Being on the other end today, needing to take and take and take without being able to give back, has certainly been working on my heart. I'm overwhelmed at not only the generous and loving hearts of my friends and family, but renewed by the giving and help of complete strangers as well.

I've begun to see the world from a different height as well, needing to sit when others stand, unable to reach the high shelves I've always taken for granted. Being tall has never felt so good!

I miss the ability to be able to stand and walk, even at a Jamaican pace. How easily something so "simple" is taken for granted! And unbelievably enough, I long to run, and run, and run.

The patient vs. PT within me continue to battle it out day by day. Despite years of schooling, I find myself contemplating going up and down stairs, conquering ramps, getting off the couch, going the distance through the grocery store, etc with new eyes.


I have been blessed with opportunity in this time as well. I had a choice of surgeons and phenomenal medical care. Thanks to new healthcare reform I was placed back on my parent's more extensive medical insurance in November through February, and have a peace about the money part of this, headache or not. I was able to change my travel plans and continue to have transportation.


I'm learning to enjoy what I have at hand, while I have it now. Whether it be time with my family, time in my hometown, time to simply be enjoyed, a certain food item (i.e. salsa and chocolate chips--though not together), easy drinking water, a closet full of clothes, a good book, etc. It's not about holding onto it and saving it for tomorrow or when I get better, nor is it being bitter about what I can't do or where I'm not. It's about savoring what's in front of me, around me, in my hand now. God is good!
 
One of the biggest changes God has made within me, hands down, is how much I long to be back in Jamaica . . . like I haven't in months. Sure, some of the anxiety and fears are still trying to linger somewhere in my thoughts, but overall, so much of the issues and worries of the past seem simply that, in the past. The bigger picture of being able to impact the lives of those in St. Elizabeth, being able to serve God and show others His love, has been thrown front and center again. I long to see my Jamaican friends, love on them, and check in on their lives. I'm yet again anticipating helping, serving and having the ability to return with a joyful, giving heart should the Lord will it.

God answers prayers in mysterious ways, my friends. Rarely in ways that we foresee, but He's always at work! I pray that your perspective is one of anticipation!