Whitie. Crutches. Boot. Christ?

Do you ever feel the need to simply blend in, to"get lost in the crowd"?

My whole life, I've never liked to stick out. In Jamaica, the color of my skin left me no choice. Everywhere I went I stood out--from the clinic to the community, walking to the store or driving the car--there was no escaping looks, stares, or turning heads. Blending in was but one of the many things I looked forward to in coming home to the States for the holidays. God had other plans. Turns out a pair of crutches and a splinted foot will earn you just as many comments, questions, and stares. Progressing from crutches to a walking boot, and today, a limping ankle brace and you still get  outright stares and comments 11 weeks later.

My heart has recently been challenged to wonder if  these people around me see just a girl with white skin who hurt her foot, or do they see Christ alive in me too? What's more is this question that was posed the other week: "If GOD truly lives in you, shouldn't you expect to be different from everyone else?"

My skin, the crutches, the boot, now a limp. In all of this, the focus has been brought back to me. Me, me, me. When I know that it should be on Him. Verbally, I'm extremely comfortable talking about where I work, my injury, surgery, rehabilitation, etc. I'm not as ready, after being asked who I work for or how I'm making it through, to put Jesus in the mix. . . even though I know, personally, and have even been reassured time and again, just how completely God is in all of this. The fear of an awkward conversation, judgment, or even an outright attack often have me hold my tongue. It saddens my heart, but it's the truth; I let that fear drive my actions. And how silly to hold my tongue, especially to complete strangers who I may never see again! How silly to grieve the Holy Spirit and not speak His name, of His goodness and love in this journey!

1 John 3:18 reads "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." It's not just my speech that should share Christ. No, more importantly, the way that I live, my actions, should speak God to those around me.

We are made new in Christ, when we ask Jesus into our hearts to save us. His Spirit who dwells in us, lives inside of you and me every day, continues to transform our hearts and our lives bringing into them true peace and hope. I don't want to face life's issues and circumstances in exactly the same way as someone without the Spirit of God. I don't want to just “barely hang on” to each day just to make it through. I want to be transformed. And in that transformation, even in the journey of it, let His love shine out in how I go about my day

This is one of many things I've been convicted of this week . . . even though it's nothing truly new, it's finally hitting home. God's given me such a unique story to tell in just the last year alone. While I may be limited currently in how I have been serving, it shouldn't stop me from sharing His love and in living it out. God has, without a doubt, been my rock and my shelter through this past year, no matter how close to the pit I've felt. I find such peace in knowing that even though I don't understand a wit of what's going on or going to happen, He's got the rest of my life in His hands and His Spirit inside of me is walking me through each and every day. Whatever bold steps or bold words are required to share of His love and faithfulness, I know, that no judgment or awkwardness even comes close to the sense of fulfillment and joy in following the Spirit's leading.

It is truly when I live a life characterized by walking with the Spirit, transformed, that people will begin to look not at me but to our Father in heaven and give Him the praise.

"I don't want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit. I want people to look at my life and know that I couldn't be doing this by my own power. I want to live in such a way that I am desperate for Him to come through. That if He doesn't come through, I am screwed. (I probably shouldn't write that word here, but it's how I truly feel about this.)" 

Francis Chan

Give Me 6!

It's far past time for a personal update to those of you still reading this . . . so give me 6 minutes of your time to relay 6 going-ons in my life as of now . . . You're a speed reader right?

1) Walking! Gym! PT! I get to do all three of those things again! It's freeing, and although I remain more limited than I'd like --walking in a boot, weak, and with little endurance to go off of-- it's coming together. I'm constantly reminded, even by strangers at the gym referencing their own "boot" stories, to be thankful and praise God for the ability to heal and walk again. Each new activity I successfully complete -- like going down the stairs without a railing-- and each new spot of soreness brings about another thing I have to be thankful for!

2) Girls High School Basketball. Every Tuesday and Friday, night that's where you'll find me from 5:15-9:00pm. My mom refers to this as penance for all the games my sisters, Kels a junior and Grace a senior this year, sat through in my own career. While neither sister is the standout star on their team, I'm more than proud of the efforts, perseverance, and heart they continue to show. Both JV and Varsity have had extremely successful seasons (Varsity is dominating their league and rated 8th in the state) and it brings back many memories of my own time in each of these gyms! It's hard to believe my baby sisters, along with other friend's baby siblings are all grown up and creating memorable court moments of their own! I won't deny how old it makes me feel, either! :)

3) Family Time. I haven't been home for this long since high school. While it's often challenging to remember for both my parents and myself that I'm no long 18, it has also been a rewarding, challenging, learning, and blessed few months. Deep down, this is time I know that I will cherish for many years to come. I never imagined I'd be helping my sisters with anatomy homework, college essay writing, or you know, getting addicted to and watching every episode of Bones. My parents and I have had to face issues--often brought on by my stubborn independence--that we have often chosen to ignore in the past, and as a result I find myself opening up from my heart even more than before. Then there's the valuable time and moments with extended family, celebrating birthdays, giving PT advice, comparing ankle scars, watching games, etc etc. Praise God!

4) Pet Sitter. That's what I feel like when my 16yo cat chooses to use the bathmat as her litter box or our other cat climbs the screen to let me know he needs back in. It's what happens when I get left home all day with our four animals, two cats and two dogs, to keep me entertained. The dogs, Fitz and Bella, at 80 and 50 lbs respectively keep me occupied in adventuring chases as they come up with new ways to escape our 2.5 acres and run off into the neighboring "no trespassing" woods. I'm lucky if I'm able to catch them 20 min later by the roadside, sopping wet and muddy . . . Scolds are often useless as they point their big charcoal black eyes of innocence at me. I find myself often wondering who the real pet is here . . .

5) Playing Guitar? While I've been rocking out on my glittery purple electric guitar on RockBand for over a year now, I recently acquired a real, live acoustic guitar from my brother and many guitar dummy books from the library---from which the librarian glanced down at my foot and said, "Oh, this makes sense." It's been slow going so far, but I am slowly learning my way into guitar playing! The days I want to quit because I feel I won't ever succeed, I'm reminded that even this is something I have to continue to trust the Lord in, and in doing so, continue to persevere. 

6) Holy Spirit! My parent's church is studying Acts currently, and along with that my grandma, mom and I joined a biblestudy going through Francis Chan's book Forgotten God which focuses on the Holy Spirit (love this guy's insight from his first book Crazy Love to this current one!). This couldn't have been more God sent for this time when I need it the most. I continue to be awed by what He's doing in my heart and in my life, as well as, finding myself reflecting on so much of the past, present, and future with new eyes. The Holy Spirit is powerful and very much alive in our everyday lives, my friends!! I can't wait to share more on this in weeks to come!

Power Behind the Request.

The day before I left Philadelphia, a friend and I ended up having a discussion about the power behind a request. It came up as something as simple as washing the dishes. We all had our parents tell us to cleanup after a meal, clear the table, wash the dishes, etc. If you were at all like me growing up, you may have all to often put up a fight and then ended up grudgingly doing those dishes, grim-faced, without joy. It was a chore, not an act of serving or helping. Then there are other cases where, like that night, my friend saw a need and offered to do the dishes, smile on his face and without a second thought. I can think of many times growing up and still to this day, where I willingly do the dishes, as well, without a second thought, no grudges or tempers to be held, no matter how many or how long it takes me to do. Why does the same task cause such different responses? Washing the dishes or fetching a glass of water are simple things, yet can often flip a switch with our attitudes. Doing something grudgingly or unwillingly often puts me in a poor mood for some time. On the other hand, enjoying my task at hand, seeing it as serving, loving on another will often uplift my spirits. As discussed that December evening, it often comes down to the power driving the request.

In the past six weeks at home with my family this discussion has continue to be in my thoughts. Those first weeks back I was extremely dependent on the four of the people in my family to get through each day. I can't even begin to count the times I asked someone to get me a glass of water, carry my laptop to my room, wash my clothes, carry my purse, etc etc. Yet my family did it without complaint no matter how busy or caught up they were with their own tasks; no matter how frustrated I sounded, how much attitude I gave, or how relentlessly annoying I was in my frustration of my inability to help. They did what was requested out of love for me, pure and simple

Love is as patient as it needs to be. Love is kind. Love does not envy. It does not boast. Love is humble and serving. Love respects; it is not rude. Love is not self-seeking but puts others first. Love fulfills needs. Love is not easily angered. Love does not begrudge, but keeps no records of wrongs. Love rejoices in the truth. Love always has your back, building you up, always protects. Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres inspite of, not because of. Love never fails. Love drives out fear, for there is no fear in love.

I'm sure you've heard these words before. These words describing love (found in 1 Corinthians 13 and 1 John 4) are powerful. Yet when was the last time you broke them down one-by-one into your own life? We should mediate on them daily!! As I've slowly regained my independence and relinquished my crutches, I find my heart humbled at these subtle reminders of the power of love. Everything else falls short no matter how small or large the task. Love is the ultimate power behind a request.